The Skiing Fool

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dollar General, is a purveyor of shit products, sold to you by some toothless-fuck-wit of undetermined family lineage, displayed under too-bright-florescent lights, inside a cookie-cutter, poorly designed small warehouse and they are intent on opening in Chester, VT.

If one of the first things you see, as you enter any small community anywhere in this great nation of ours, is a ‘dollar store’ you need to go ahead and take a deep breath. The aroma you are picking up is, yep, you guessed it, white trash. White trash has a smell all its own, and it is not a pleasant smell.

If the shit inside a ‘dollar’ store is just what you need/want dump your over sized family into your rusted out minivan and take the short drive to Springfield, Rutland or Brattleboro. Tell your half-dozen-half-wit-spawn it’s a ‘staycation’ or home school field trip. Whatever.

Are you the type of person who visits to a ‘dollar’ store regularly, to stock up on shit that broke since your last family outing or because you like ‘food’ from which all listed calories are derived from fat?

Yes?

Do you think it would be ‘neat’ to have a ‘dollar’ store close to where you live?

 Yes? If you are, I have an idea for you.

 You should go outside, collect all of the plastic flowers, auto parts and appliances you currently use as lawn decorations, toss these collectables in the aforementioned minivan, then go ‘wheels down’, hook onto and drag the double-wide-mobile-mansion that you refer to as ‘home-sweet-home’ away from its current location in Chester and install it in a vacant lot, as near as possible to one of the dollar stores already thriving in Vermont.

Remember to leave a forwarding address so that you can continue to receive you monthly checks in a timely fashion.

Sadly, Vermont is already home to at least twenty ‘Dollar’ stores and absolutely zero Trader Joe’s. I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you, just how fucked up that is.

SF

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Okemo

42F, Light Rain, Moderate Fog, Breezy

Well, I called it over on Thursday and it was. This fucking place is on lift support, somebody, anybody pull the plug!

Something possessed me this morning and I booted up for the last day of the season. What a fucking nit-wit I am!

Two trails open but, counted as nine. All nine or both trails, depends which way you count them, sucked some serious ass.

Knowing that I would leave after skiing every trail twice, I parked in the unload circle. What are they going to do? Tow me?

I don’t know if the ticket office was open, I didn’t go anywhere near it.

There were only a handful of other people dumb enough to boot up and go to the hill today. Including two young ladies, I would consider doubly dumb. Not only were they dumb enough to boot up, they were dumb enough to wear Daisy Duke denims. Due to their lack of skiing ability the shorts were soaking wet and their legs were a very unattractive shade of red/pink. The only thing more colorful than their legs was their language. They didn’t seem happy with one-another or life in general.

There will be no truck skiing this season. It is over!

SF

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Okemo

80F, Full Sun, Light Wind

Wow, the great weather continues! The snow deterioration can be measured in minutes not hours.

The trail (Fast Track) leading to, and the trail (Espresso) leading away from the lower quad at Jackson Gore are total shit. If this were a fight, the ref would be required to stop it. Now.

In years past, I have been ‘truck skiing’ in May, three full weeks after the lifts stopped turning and seen better trail coverage than what is on the hill today.

At 1:35 this afternoon, Okemo announced ‘the Fool is correct; Okemo closing date is Sunday, March 25, 2012. He figured it out before we did, he’s that good!’

It true! Well, Okemo didn’t use all of those words but, they are all true.

I am skiing again tomorrow just to see how much more fucked up it can get.

I-Call-it-Like-I-See-it and as I see, it is over!

SF

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Okemo

79F, Full Sun, Light Breeze

Unfuckingbelievable skiing! The dirt-rock-moss-mud areas cover far more of this hill than the remaining snow. But, who cares? How can you not have a great time on a day like this?

The groomers reshaped the hill again last night. However, with the overnight temperatures in the 40’s the corduroy does not set up. On the first runs of the day the surface looks like corduroy and skis like butter giving us a new word of the day ‘butterroy’ as the primary skiing surface.

Cinderella made her final appearance of the season and was happy to go out on such a sweet note. Also, present today were Tin Man, Chrissie and Tom. I’m not sure of Tom’s lineage but he looks like what you might expect of the love child between a Ballerina and The Missing Link. I mean that in a nice way.

I want to get ahead of the curve and project a few foreclosures, some as early as tomorrow;

Coleman Brook

The half of Timberline which isn’t already closed

Boomerang

Wardance (hey, it’s roped off all winter long, one more time won’t matter.)

Sunburst

Solitude Lift

I will update this list tomorrow and tell you what you won’t be skiing on this weekend.

Now, this is where, I really go out on a limb with my chainsaw in hand. Okemo has projected a closing date of Easter Sunday, April 8, 2012. I pick the closing date of Sunday, March 25. 2012. Let’s see who is closest to the actual closing date. One year of bragging rights are riding on this.

SF

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Okemo

74F, Full Sun, No Wind

There are forty trails left for my skiing pleasure. The official ski report seems to lag what is real by a full day or slightly longer. Roped today but, still very skiable were Exhibition, Sidewinder, Timberline, Chute, Black Out and Wardance.

I hooked up with Tin Man and Chrissie for three full hours this morning. We skied everything offered, a couple of things that weren’t offered and did a lot of it twice. World Cup is the only remaining trail, skier’s right of the NorthStar Lift.

I have seen a larger, better crowd at a Cock Fight in a Gay Bar. I shit you not.

I approached many skiers today with a simple question.

‘Did you pay for a lift ticket today?’

Of all the people I asked, only two said, ‘yes, I paid for a ticket.’

SF

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Okemo

72F, Full Sun, Moderate Wind

This is the skiing I wait all year for. With the exception of powder skiing this is the very best that the ski season has to give! Living in Ludlow the most you can hope for are a hand full of powder days (6-16 inches). Anything under 6” is just a tease, anything over 14” on this hill is a waste because of the low pitch of the hill.

But, spring snow can and usually does last for three or more weeks. Spring skiing has the added benefit of cleavage.  Bright sun, warm air, sloppy wet snow and titties! Ain’t life grand?

Another day of skiing with no ticket and titties to look at, yes, life is grand!

I see signs on the hill telling everyone ‘We take theft of services seriously’. Here is my question, if no one is looking am I really stealing? I think not. To me it’s like driving 20MPH over the posted speed limit, if no one is doing radar, technically I’m not speeding. I have six or eight cocktails and there is no police checkpoint. Am I DUI? Hell no.  I go out and buy the stocks as my US Senator recommends. Is that insider trading? Not unless the SEC gets involved, up to that point it is just wise investing.

My pass is valid again beginning tomorrow. I expect a HUGE drop in the trail count and skiable acres. But, I will ski.

SF

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Okemo

54F, Full Sun, No Wind

The liftees can smell the unemployment line. The guys who should be checking tickets were raking the grass. They don’t give a shit any more, I skied all day without a valid ticket. Free is good.

The skiing was great! All sloppy and wet, just like honeymoon sex.

Expect the trail count to drop over night. I believe eight or more trails will get the rope.

Tomorrow will probably put an end of season wrap on the Morning Star Lift, South Face Lift and trails, the Upper and Lower Sachem Lifts. Hopefully the Solitude Lift will hang in there for another week, perhaps not.

I am pressuring management to move the slush cup back a week, from Saturday April 7 to Saturday, March 31 or even two weeks and make it March 24.

The delusional people around the office are still calling for skiing through Easter. It is simply not going to happen. Looking at the current weather patterns, any ski operations beyond Sunday, the 25^th will be considered by me, to be a miracle on ice.

SF

Friday, March 16, 2012

Okemo

38F, THICK FOG, No Wind

Today was my sixth consecutive day of skiing and my thirteenth day of skiing so far this month.

Look back to my report from Tuesday. I predicted 70+ trails to finish out the week. Today’s the Okemo official count is 77. With better visiblity, I could prove that number a slight exaggeration.

The story of the day was the fog! The fog line started below the Sugar Shack and well below the Jackson Gore Quad lift base. Nowhere was visibility more than 50 yards. To make things even more enjoyable, there was rain, heavy at times.

The snow was very skiable corn snow. There is enough, dirt, twigs and other assorted debris mixed in, laying on and in place of the skiing surface as to offer a decent amount of terrain definition.

From the Jackson Gore lift we both could see rocks coming through the snow almost below us. A second later one of them moved and we realized that the ‘rocks’ were people lying in the snow. As the rocks/people went out of sight we saw a ski patrol person toting a sled, presumably to help one or more of the three rock/people. We saw a ‘Visually Impaired Skier’ helping her ‘Guide’ off of the hill. Now that’s fucked up!

All over the hill, things that you normally consider visual landmarks were completely unreliable today. Me, I’m licensed to ski with ‘instruments only’, Cinderella has never passed that test. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good. But, she is not certified. We were only 1:15 into what I thought was a three hour session and she said, ‘fuck this, we’re going home!’ I briefly thought of handing her the car keys and quietly skiing off into the gloom. I made a mental note of Skiing Fool’s Rule #13 and then led the way to our car.

SF

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Okemo

54F, Variable Sky, No Wind

Average Base Depth remains above 30”. Try to say that, fast three times without laughing. No, I couldn’t do it either.

Another great day on the hill! I went alone and needed a way to entertain myself so; I decided to count the trails with zero rocks showing. I was able to find ONE trail with no visible rocks. However, I did have to dive under a rope and go on a poach to find it. I skied all open trails and a couple of closed ones, Wardance is the only trail which still has full cover. I guess it easier to maintain the trail if you never open it.

While searching for the one pristine trail, I found several ‘open’ trails which are not:

Upper Fall Line

Lower Tomahawk

The Narrows

Outrage

Rum Run

Searle’s Way

Side Kick

Bee Line

Turkey Shoot

Upper Tomahawk

Upper Wild Thing

Upper Management tells me that they expect to operate all 19 lifts this coming weekend. I don’t see how that will be possible. Catnap could go off-line at any moment. The top of Glades Peak Quad lacks enough snow to operate for a full day. Mood Dog is completely fucked. The South Face unload is in serious trouble. Day Break lift and the two trails associated with it have issues. Snow needs to be delivered to the summit for the two unloads areas.

Come out and ski this week or this weekend, the fun still outweighs down side. I fully expect Okemo to operate 70+ trails for the rest of the week and 50-70 trails this weekend.

If you like it sloppy and wet, who doesn’t, now is your time to shine. Join me.

SF

Monday, March 12, 2012

Okemo

57F, Full Sun, No Wind

I got on the hill early, with Cinderella. Today marks the sixth day of skiing out of eight. Not bad.

Solitude lift suffered a couple of long stops early in the day, mechanics raced in on two snowmobiles to solve whatever the problem was. No explanation was given.

Skiing was great again today. Rocks are popping up faster than pimples on a teenager. Last Friday, only a day after Okemo boasted in broadcast email ‘over two feet of snow this week’ they had to close ten trails due to lack of snow. Oops!

For the record Ludlow has received slightly less than 20” of snow so far this month. The only problem is that slightly more than 24” has melted away, so far this month. The trail count continues its unrelenting march to zero. The zero count will be here on or before April 1. Boo-hoo! My prediction is that the official count will dip below 100 tomorrow. We probably skied Upper Wild Thing, Double Diamond and Searle’s Way, each for the last time this season.

Cinderella and I shared a South Face lift ride with two old geezers this morning. Both were wearing full on winter outfits fully zipped with bulky mittens, helmets, goggles, everything but the facemask.

At the same time they were complaining about it being ‘too hot!’

Me, I’m wearing a half zipped light shell over a turtleneck with gardening gloves, sunglasses and a smile. So, I suggest, ‘wear less clothing.’

After forcing me to repeat myself, both men looked at me like I had just offered genius-level insight -or- I was a fucking retard. I got to admit, I get those two looks mixed up all the time. But, I’m pretty sure that this one was the genius look.

Afternoon commitments took us off of the snow at 12:45.

SF